"ANOTHER Special Occasion - How I spent my 2012. Literally." Available now at http://lyvit.com/shop/comedy/another-special-occasion/. Published 01/01/2013 by Lyvit Publishing.
“Oh I wish it
could be Christmas, once every five years…”. This is the third occasion I’ve
started with a song which highlights how powerful music is in getting people to
buy things, in particular music singles and albums. Having your song at number
one in the UK top 40 music sales used to be a big thing when I was younger and
artists who achieved this noble tradition included Mr Blobby, Eminem with a
song about a lad who drove off a bridge with his girlfriend locked in the car
and even Rage Against The Machine. Yes, Christmas music evokes so many memories
of crackers, turkeys and unnecessary suggestions towards death.
Another sign that Christmas is on its way, for some the most important
symbol, is the advert featuring the trucks that are lit up with its very own
‘Holidays are Comin’’ theme music. The advert was first used in 1995 and seems
to have been on endlessly ever since from the end of November onwards. I’m sure
the internet will prove me wrong and suggest a period of disuse between
2001-2007 but I’m no researcher. This is a fantastic example of how important
branding is as it was the same company that turned Father Christmas’ suit from
green to red. This fact alone makes many consumers thirsty for a carbonated
beverage and sends them into an uncontrollable journey to find one.
I hated Christmas for a long time and this was due to the fact that it
was rammed down our throats for so many months before it actually occurred. August
was when I saw my first Christmas items on sale, however many reports came
flooding in to suggest the shops had made their way to the starting blocks well
before then. It’s impossible to forget when the date is; in fact, children are
more likely to know the date than why we celebrate it in the first place,
however we have gentle nudges and subtle reminders everywhere in the hope we’ll
spend more than we need to just because we see what’s available. Some people do
go all out for the day, however they tend to build it up over the years and I
doubt they need four months to get themselves organised.
My perfect day would involve getting up, having the fry up that became
tradition on my wife’s side of the family (which was adopted without the need
for a vote), a few hours of childrens’ films to calm the little wonders down, a
traditional roast at Midday followed by a stomach calming mint and coffee, Her
Majesty telling us how naughty we’ve been at three and then the present opening
followed by the children going to bed so I have an opportunity to properly play
with their toys. The big problem with that schedule is that my wife can’t wait
twenty minutes for presents. I’m generally dragged out of bed at seven in the
morning, on my day off, to help with
the unwrapping and explain why Santa didn’t bring them a £200 plastic car that
changes into a man and a bicycle with a few thousand twists of its parts.
Note that I didn’t mention the need for a giant kilo tin of chocolates
anywhere in there. This is a tradition that’s relatively new as I’m sure I
remember the days without them, however they’ve become the replacement for
cards at my place of work as no-one could really be bothered to put false
sentiment on a pre-folded picture of a reindeer ten times when they could say
it with calories. As a fat guy I had to put an end to them and haven’t partaken
from the giant tins as a couple of chocolates leaves you wanting more, no doubt
the idea in the first place. We’ve been offered them for our house by relatives
and it’s impossible to say no as they’re always so keen to get rid of them so I
tend to drip feed them to the children these days.
There seems to be chocolate everywhere in the lead up to the big day
as crafty manufacturers have taken a look at their stock and thought ‘we need a
chocolate version of everything’. This means that it hangs from trees, from
stockings, from the TV to remind you it’s there and even appears wrapped up
when you’re opening presents because that’s what you always wanted. A chocolate
version of your actual present.
Shopping in December is definitely a bad idea. I try to get as many
presents before the month sticks its head from round the corner, however I
inevitably have a gift or two to procure a few days before the event. I once
went into town with a smug expression on Christmas Eve to show off the fact I didn't really need to be there, however the smile was well and truly wiped off
my face as people ran into me, shoved their way towards the shelves and even
cut in front of me in the queue as they ‘had so many other shops to get to’. No
please, no ‘could I?’, just a shove and a growl. People are insane on December
the 24th.
I genuinely suggested postponing the day until three days later so
that we get the same experience on December the 28th. This sounds
ludicrous but what it means in reality is that all decorations are half price,
all gifts are half price or lower and, while everyone else is suffering from
post-Christmas blues you’re opening your presents and having a great time. By
the time your own blues come round it’s nearly New Year’s Eve, leaving next to
no time to get down about the whole situation. Suggesting this was a bit like
suggesting that we all take our skin off and jump into the bath together, with
so many open mouths staring at me and my wife having to escort me out of the
room for a little chat out of range of those little ears. It’s a shame not
everybody sees these special days in the same way I do, with pound notes being
hung up or thrown onto the fire, as we could probably eradicate the most
stressful elements. Alas, here we are every year planning to celebrate on the
25th like everyone else in the country. I doubt we could be
trendsetters if we tried.
The big clean up begins almost immediately if you have any sense and
don’t want to get caught having to clean the entire house on a single day,
after which the pavements look like a bomb’s gone off in a department store and
all the effort you put into making it a day to remember sits idly, waiting for
the recycling men to come by. It wasn't so long ago that we all put hundreds of
black bags out at the side of the road and everything went into landfill to
brighten up the places for a week or so, after which the colour faded from the
wrapping paper and the whole place went back to being the correct shade of
brown. At least we’re learning something in this whole process, although the best
cure is prevention…if you know what I mean.
Savings
Tree = £10.00 (average)
Tree
Decorations = £15.00
House
Decorations = £30.00
Lights = £20.00
Electricity
for lights = £40.00
Food = £300.00
Drink = £80.00
Crackers = £20.00
Chocolates = £10.00
Cards = £10.00
Christmas
CD = £5.00
Gifts = £500.00
Gifts
for people you hate = £30.00
Christmas
Ornaments = £40.00
Singing
Snowman = £15.00
Total = £1,125
Food refers to the extra you bring in. On
top of that is the normal weekly allowance as you have to eat up to and after
the day itself. Leftovers can only take you so far and you’ll be glad the next
time you see turkey is in twelve months’ time. Drink is another place where
extras are purchased – even though you don’t drink brandy there will be half a
bottle left on the side on Boxing Day.
Every year a new Christmas CD is released
with the same songs as last years, but can you ever find the damn thing?
Don’t lie and say you’ve never been conned
by the singing snowman, only to box it up well before you get to Christmas. You
have. If you still insist, there’s a good chance your mind has blocked it out
of your memory. You are one of a lucky few.
“You can spend as much or as little as you
want at Christmas” – that’s a lie. You can’t. You can spend what you’re told,
lest the adverts get to you and you end up rocking on the floor of some padded
cell.
